Sex, drugs and kicking Michigan’s ass

We just got done beating Michigan by a lot of points, something a lot of us thought we would do. I had a lot of thoughts during the game, but 12 in particular stood out. So I’m going to call this little post “The Big 12”, only you won’t find Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford, Todd Reesing, Chase Daniel, Graham Harrell, or any other good quarterbacks. And unlike the conference, this post won’t be overrated.

There’s that word again. “Overrated.” The deus ex machina of nimrod college football fans. Speaking of nimrod college football fans, we’re going to Columbus 8-0 next weekend, and 4-0 in the conference. We haven’t won at Ohio State since joining the Big Ten, but there’s a first time for everything. Buckeye fans have been telling themselves the same thing about scoring better than JoePa’s age on the SATs for almost 50 years.

But enough about monkeys. Let’s jump into the proceedings.

I. I’m not saying Penn State doesn’t have an excellent cutie quotient, but that never seems to show up on TV. It did tonight, because there were a ton of hotties in the front row of the student section wearing sports bras. I couldn’t find any pictures of them online yet, but here:

She’s Penn State’s 2008 entry in the Tempe12, aka the hottest college girls. Some of you (like me) probably know who she is. I’m in a great mood after beating Michigan, so I figured I’d put everyone else in a great mood by starting with that.

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This segment was brought to you by the Penn State defense.

III. Once the defense stopped Rip Van Winkling and started ripping into Michigan’s offense, the game was never really in doubt. That included the safety, which tested one’s idiocy. Yes, Nick Sheridan appeared to get rid of the ball before he was tackled, but he threw to an ineligible receiver, which was a penalty in the end zone, which results in…a safety. Where were you when they were passing out the brains?

IV. I usually find Chris Spielman’s analysis boring, but he was pretty funny today. He also kept his Buckeye slant out of it, and strung together more than three syllables, which usually leads to a B.A. at Ohio State.

Cs and Ds earn Buckeye leaves!

V. I had all kinds of issues with Deon Butler’s “incompletion” in the corner of the end zone in the third quarter. The referees got the call right within the rules, and I commend them for that. But there are about six rules on that play that the NCAA has to change in the offseason, starting with the fact that the body part that jarred the ball loose – Butler’s elbow – is also an indicator of whether you’re down in the first place.

VI. I found out during the broadcast that Jay Paterno is a Red Sox fan. In a related story, fuck Jay Paterno.

VII. I spammed the following text to a bunch of people at halftime:

“Hey man, it’s been awesome being your friend all these years, but if Penn State loses, I just wanted you to know I’m gonna kill myself tonight, so have a nice life.”

Here are the top five responses:

5. “I’ll miss you buddy”

4. “Yes it was nice knowing you. You’ve been a great friend. In your honor, I shall burn Michigan’s campus then piss on it”

3. “(my name) lives!”

2. “Hahahaha”

1. “You’re a Browns fan, you’re used to it”

VIII. Sam McGuffie didn’t play a lot today, but he’s been holding it down for white people at the running back position all season. Props, brah.

Introducing G-Unit’s newest member, Pasty Waste

IX. I spent a chunk of this morning watching early Oasis videos on YouTube, and that kind of experience is best described as “euphoric” or “drug-like.” Beating Michigan felt like that, too, and now that that losing streak is snapped, I can focus on the Steelers. God damn Steelers.

X. Even though we had a huge lead and kept throwing the ball, I don’t think we were running up the score. Not on Michigan, anyway. We weren’t saying “fuck you” to the Wolverines. We were saying “fuck you” to fate, which gave Michigan a couple extra seconds back in 2005, and a ref that couldn’t see three feet in front of his face when my namesake made that late catch in 2002 that would’ve set up the game-winning field goal.

XI. Before 2004, I had a running joke with one of my friends that if the Red Sox played the Cubs in the World Series on PS2, the system would explode before a winner could be named. The same thing’s going to happen to Mark May’s head next weekend, considering his hatred for Penn State and Ohio State. God bless Penn State and Ohio State.

WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE SCANNERS COME FOR YOU

XII. I’m sure everyone will be yacking about what they think they know about the college football landscape this week, but here are two facts that won’t change: Penn State is 8-0, and we’re going to Columbus at night.

To be brutally honest, I’m glad today went like it did. Ohio State received a gift-wrapped victory against Michigan State, so the Buckeyes think they’re hot shit again. Meanwhile, we looked sloppy in slapping Michigan around, so OSU will take us lightly. If both teams play up to their potential, I think Penn State wins.

On another note, I think even JoePa realizes it’s close to a now-or-never situation. If he wants to win another national title before he’s gone, he has to beat Ohio State next weekend, and to do that, the playbook must open up and we must play to win on the road. It seems like we’ve said this 100 billion times before, but we can’t have Joe Bush McCain Reagan Nixon Paterno as our coach next weekend. GO FOR THEIR FUCKING THROAT!

But that’s next week. If you’ll excuse me, I have to celebrate this week.

WE ARE

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2 Comments on “Sex, drugs and kicking Michigan’s ass”

  1. Pat Says:

    I don’t get what was wrong with the call on the Butler non-catch. He caught the ball, promptly fell, and when he hit the ground, the ball moved significantly. He didn’t have control of that ball when he went to the ground.

    The fact that an elbow down means you’re down doesn’t mean much here, because he didn’t have possession when he hit the ground. If he did, the ball wouldn’t’ve moved. If he had taken a few steps (and thus shown possession and clear control of the ball) then it wouldn’t’ve mattered if the ball moved, because he would’ve been down. But he never established possession before that.

  2. zzzzzzzzzz Says:

    .” The deus ex machina of nimrod college football fans. Speaking of nimrod college football fans, we’re going to Columbus 8-0 next weekend, and 4-0 in th


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