Relax, it’s only Thursday…and Michael Robinson is Missing!!!
There was this captivating song that caught my attention while driving down to Metropolitan Orlando for a Pfizer Business retreat a few months ago. This wasn’t your typical everyday run of the mill Hootie & the Blowfish song this was an “Epiphany Song,” a song that makes you stop, drop, and take stock of your life; A song that really makes you sit back and think about what’s truly important in this crazy world we live in. Wait was it a retreat or a conference? They had an open bar so I’m saying a retreat. Free booze, sock tan lines, and Hawaiian t-shirts those are the telltale signs that you are at a business retreat and not a business conference. Also find out how many people are named “Alan” at one of these shindigs. If it’s over five percent then you are smack dab in the middle of calculator filled conference my friend. True story.
FACT: In the time it took you to read that little nonsensical anecdote three former Penn State football players will have become irrelevant. What? I know! We as human beings living on this planet named earth cannot let this become a wide spread epidemic. What’s next? Meeting a blank stare when you mention the iconic name of Mike Archie? Receiving a “Who” when you utter the celestial term Wally Richardson? The term “Who” is for owls and Pete Townshend, not Penn State fans. Michael Robinson, one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever don the majestic colors of blue and white, has gone missing. Where is he you ask? Well that’s just a plain old stupid question, if I knew I would just tell you and this article would be a moot point. Think McFly think (ask your older brother or sister). While logical thinking would have M-Rob traveling with his current employer the FIRST PLACE SAN FRANCICSCO 49ERS I’m going to take a look at a few of the illogical theories as to Mr. Robinson’s whereabouts. Oh by the way, that life altering song was “Smooth Criminal” by Alien Ant Farm…as if you didn’t already know.
Theory 1: Michael Robinson changed bodies with a punk rock thirteen year old girl ala the movie Freaky Friday. If you see M-Rob and he has a starry eye glaze as he looks in the direction of a punk rock singer who just screams “Fix me” I would stay clear. You do not want to get on the bad side of a fourteen year old girl trapped in the body of an NFL player…trust me. Oh and by the way you’re welcome Disney. When you and The Rock make 100 million dollars on this idea don’t forget to slice a piece of that money pie over this way.
Theory 2: Michael Robinson is living with David Robinson while taping the new VH1 reality hit “My Two Robinsons!” What happens when one current and one former athlete move in together and try to start an unsuccessful pie shop in downtown San Antonio? Hilarity. That’s what.
Theory 3: Michael Robinson is caught up in a “Winner take all” around the world balloon race/water balloon fight with former Penn Stater Matt Seneca. My guess is that Seneca quits somewhere around Brazil and Zach Mills ends up having to take over for him.
Theory 4: Taking full advantage of his Journalism degree Michael Robinson is producing a one hour news special warning people about the 1,098th most popular killer of male adults 18-34: Hermit Crab Hepatitis.
Theory 5: After some unseasonably bad weather Michael Robinson and his family crashed their boat onto a deserted island while traveling up the Rhine River. Luckily there were enough supplies on board for him and his “family” to survive those cold “Switzerland” nights. After creating a house made up of rudimentary island materials…really Josh? A Swiss Family Robinson joke? C’mon you’re better than that. Lazy writing, even for you.
Theory 6: Michael Robinson traveled back in time to the year 1994 to kick Nebraska quarterback Tommy Frazier’s ass. He was successful but due to an unforeseen consequence of tampering with the space time continuum, kicking 1994 Tommy Frazier’s ass led to the movie Space Jam becoming the top grossing movie of all time. Every action does indeed have a reaction. It is also the reason that our national anthem has been replaced by R Kelly’s I Believe I Can Fly.
Theory 7: Michael Robinson was in the hatch. Hatch, smoke monster, airplane, Charlie from Party of Five. Ok I confess I don’t know what the Hatch is. I’ve never seen Lost. I have seen my fair share of Felicity though. Maybe Michael Robinson fell in love with Scott Speedman and he is pursuing his dream of becoming an artist in New York. Stranger things have happened.
Any information leading to the safe return of Michael Robinson back to the public eye will result in a prize package containing a coupon for one free large pizza from Canyon, a 15% off coupon from the Family Clothesline, and a guest appearance on the hit Penn State student run talk show After Hours.
You’ve been hit by; you’ve been struck by, a Smooth Criminal…
Josh Sorokach has a blog that is not quite sweeping (more like dusting) the nation. He enjoys rootbeer floats and the subtle, yet dignified acting of Adrian Grenier. If you want to chat with him you can find him retroactively by meeting him at the Hub while he studies for this Econ final on December 11th 2004. Bring coffee and a working knowledge of Marxism.