Where to Meet Your Perfect Penn State Mate
I have a confession to make: I drunkenly make out at bars. Yep, I’m one of those people. Am I proud of this little character flaw of mine? No, not particularly. I don’t do it consciously; I don’t wake up in the morning and think to myself, “What’s the most efficient way to make a fool out of myself while downgrading a polite young lady’s night out from classy to tawdry (or in extreme cases tawdry to skanky). I think the DBM (Drunken Bar Make out) is an inherent trait.
I probably have a Great Great Great Granddad who used to drink too much moonshine and drunkenly made out with a slew of farmers’ daughters while rocking out to a mediocre “Jug Cover Band” during random stops on the Oregon Trail. Heck, that’s probably how I was conceived! That would actually explain a lot, but I digress.
I don’t traditionally look the part of a DBM. I don’t sport a hemp necklace, pop my collar, and wear a slightly crooked Detroit Tigers hat, but that’s the beauty of the DBM’er, they come in every shape and size. Fictitious statistics show that one out of every three people on earth has taken part in a DBM on more than three separate occasions. Now if you are reading this I’m sure that you have some ties to the blue and white so at some point in your life I’m sure you’ve been on one or both sides of this spectrum.
You’ve seen the effects of one and half Monkey Boys on your friend Rachel as she drunkenly sings along to “Summer of 69” while taking sporadic breaks to jam her tongue down Ryan from the Diplomat’s throat. While I’m also sure that you yourself had a couple of those famous Café 210 Ice Tea’s and thought, “Hey I haven’t played mouth herpes roulette in awhile, I’m going to go try and kiss curly haired tank top!” There is an old saying, “Sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.”
That has absolutely nothing to do with this article but just in case you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right as opposed to Mr. or Mrs. Right Now, here are the top ten places to meet your future significant other at Penn State. Oh and remember that girl, “Curly haired Tank Top” I told you about? That young lady became my wife. So, hey you never know. Just kidding, her mouth tasted like beets so we never spoke again. I’m probably going to die alone surrounded by a plethora of ornery cats. It’s okay I’ve come to accept this inevitable fate but for the rest of you…
10. A PSU Football Game
Tailgating, football, chicks with a little tiny paw painted on their faces, how can you go wrong? The student section is packed with hung over women who simply lack the coherent strength to fend off your endless advances after a long night of Friday shenanigans. Advantage: Men. They’ll probably turn you down the first ten times you ask them to stop over at your apartment for a little Saturday night beer pong action, but on that seventeenth or eighteenth desperate plea, they’ll cave. Oh yes, they’ll cave. And when they do don’t forget to implement the “If you miss you must kiss” rule after the 5th game. Ahh the 5th game of beer pong, drunk enough to make out yet not drunk enough to puke. Perfection
09. Babies Diner
Some people say that the “One milkshake two straws” 1960’s joint is the perfect place for a Penn State first date, others say “Stop being cheap and take the girl to a real restaurant.” Well to try and find the answer to this debatable quandary I called all five girls that I took to Babies on various first dates; oddly enough none of them called me back. I guess the true answer remains a mystery.
08. Somewhere Over the Rainbow
This one is a little vague and I don’t have the specific details but I know that if you see a rainbow, one that is way up high, there is a land that I heard of and I think there are a lot of single woman there. On second thought I actually may have heard that once in a lullaby. Nevermind.
07. Theatre Class
If there is one thing I learned from my theatre minor it’s that Aeschylus was the first major playwright to introduce the concept of a second actor thus expanding the possibilities for a more complex plot. If there are two things I learned from my theatre minor it’s that theatre chicks are freaky. Independent movie freaky.
06. Camping Out At Paternoville
Since I never actually camped out at Paternoville this is pure speculation but I imagine it to be the equivalent to a complex episode of the old Nickelodeon classic Salute Your Shorts. Since there is nothing more romantic than old Nickelodeon sitcoms Paternoville will provide you the perfect backdrop for love… and smores.
05. The Loop 1:45-2:30 AM Thurs-Sat Night
If The Loop is anything like it used to be when I was a freshman then this is not only the perfect place to meet random drunk freshman but it is also the ideal environment to start the perfect anti Mike Piazza chant. He may be retired but I’m sure the unwarranted hatred for the former New York Met lives on in the hearts of all State College residents.
04. A Billy Joel Concert at the BJC
Listen boy don’t want to see you let a good thing slip away
You know I don’t like watching anybody make the same mistakes I made
She’s a real nice girl and she’s always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn’t tell you what you should dooooo
Tell her about it!
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept that you’re for real…
03. The Fish tank In the Hub
This doesn’t just apply to the fish tank at the hub, ladies love fish tanks in general. Have you ever been to the Baltimore aquarium? It’s like Woodstock. Don’t even get me started on Sea World, more babies were made there than in Kim Kardashians Uterus. Woah, c’mon! Too far Josh.
When you reach that perfect level of intoxication the only thing that will quench your thirst is a thirty five minute wait for the tastiest slice of late night pizza in State College. While you’re waiting for your pizza you may as well find a wife.
01. The Bottom Level of a Human Pyramid
I mean what else are you going to talk about for hours on end? Use the opening line, “So do you like pyramids?” Chances are she does.
Here is hoping that you find true love and that a possible Eagles/Steelers Super Bowl won’t turn State College into a post apocalyptic feeding ground for zombies… or Ann Arbor. This has been Josh Sorokach saying, “Raise your hand if you have more victories than Akron!” Oh hands down Rich Rodriguez.
Josh Sorokach welcomes you to contact him with all job offers, marriage proposals, fan male, critiques on righting, and instructional books on homonyms, to www.bricksexplode.blogspot.com. Josh Sorokach is a registered trademark of awesome.